oh, words

Juturna.

one hit wonder, wanders the night, ponders the sight
of fire
the credibility of desire
to be wired,
as a function
and not functioning
to be uninspired, and mired
to the notion of peace,
please.
to be tired, to be tired
to be immobile, and servile
bow to magazines, in pile
a half crooked, non-smile
style! style! style!
how

does the fire concede to nothing,
nowhere, tearing past every stare
ash out of the tray,
color out of the lines,
verse out of the rhyme,
laughing hysterically into the bright
2nd degree burn, a wrong gone so right
how

a plight to progress, no fight to protest
she backs off in seeming disinterest
apathy wasn't on the menu tonight
but she ordered two, just in spite
one hit wonder, wanders, ponders, plunders,
surrenders,
enters through the exit
nobody suspects it
how

the fire rages on,
she wants to sing along,
bites her tongue and runs
how

I wonder where she's off to
eyes so cold, heart so heavy
steady foot flowing, death-bed-ready already
I wonder who she's off to
hands so shaken, mistakes she's making
make the fake parts less hollow
make truth easier to swallow
I wonder why she runs
away
from the wonder
of everyday

I can't, for the life of me

start studying. Instead I'm scouring the internet for all it's worth.

There's this interesting article on wired about chastising our misconstrued perception of autism. It's about this girl named Amanda Baggs who basically communicates autism as something incomprehensible to the "neurotypical" because of the way we define intelligence. They eventually compare it to the plight of homosexuals in the 70's converting from the idea that it's a mental illness, to something normal, acceptable, and very much just another variety of life. She describes autism as being in a "constant conversation with my entire environment", just not in the same language we comprehend.

It's true, every time we think autistic and socially challenged we see some kind of deficiency. Instead of deficiency we could opt for variety, and understand that the tools we use to measure intelligence are created by beings whose perception can only encompass so far.

The video starts off showing her idiosyncrasies and "neurotic" behavior, but eventually she communicates her philosophies through a voice synthesizer, and what's said is kind of a doozie. It makes me think about corporate America and the bullshit language and habits we must accommodate to in order to move forward in life. Must shake hands firmly, must be stoic, must establish eye contact. How natural is all this and how often are anomalies frowned down upon (all the time, my friend just yesterday got kicked out of a program for being too enthusiastic and unprofessional with her boss, wtf) . Of course this observation is a watered down version of full on autism, but hey, normal=majority and that's kind of the shitty bottom line.

http://www.wired.com/medtech/health/magazine/16-03/ff_autism?currentPage=1

incredible weekend to preface a hell ish week

this weekend, was so physically and mentally draining. i loved it!

I've pathetically been listening to Like You'll Never See Me Again, because my ading choreographed a highly impressive piece for our 4 hour practice yesterday. Major props Jon Lee, you seriously impressed me with this one. I think you've really grown into your dancing "style".

I spent essentially 12 hours with a car of the same people. After 3 ipods, a million riddle games, and complete frustration in the unsuccesful search for chains at 3am in the morning, I'm really happy it was you 5 (yodel crew represent yo!), because it could've gone horrendously. My snowboard "students" were tight as fcuk, and were almost carving even after I accidentally took them to the top of the mountain.

Whenever i go on snow trip I recall really distinct moments. There was snow trip from my 2nd year where I got snow blind and was grateful to belch Foolish games and other 90's hits with people who stayed over to take care of me. I think of my countless trips with my "best" family friend up to Tahoe and our dangerously competitive relationship slowly devolving. I think of how my decisive choice to rent a snowboard instead of ski's at the age of 11 was such an epic moment in my head at the time, it was me screaming for independence and choice.

Most significantly, I think of Angelo. We weren't the closest, but when I think about all of what happened, i remember that trip to Mt. high around 4 years ago with Gibu and Cedric. I remember your vivacity and enthusiasm. I remember the talks we had up every lift, and how young and eager you were to just LIVE! I remember how I wrote you off as being completely naive until this trip, when I got to know where you were really coming from. I remember the icicles lining every part of your face since you kept falling on it, insisting that you would get it t his time. You didn't stop smiling. We made a lot of fun of you after that one, what a cocky SOB with absolutely no backup. You were so damn persistent and inspiring in your unfaltering failure. I wish i could've seen you grow as a boarder.

I hate how stupid cliche's like "you never appreciate something till it's gone" always play out.

Anyway, really good weekend. A lot of car bonding, serious road trip, and NECESSARY escape from the suffocating claws of technology. The cabin itself was incredibly chill, everyone was throwing out good vibes. We had some really productive talks about love, life, KP, and couldn't have asked for more (Aside from more boardin time). As we ghost rided the whip up big bear mtn going 0 mph in traffic, I realized, this is it, "I don't wanna forget the present is a gift". So what I dropped 100+ on this weekend, so what my car is probably seriously fucked up from falling rocks, so what i probably drove for more time than actually chilled, so what my nail is lodged into my skin making it impossible for me to do much with my right hand. yadida..

Watching californication over @ sean taylor before sleeping last night, I forgot how important your roots are. The prospect of not hanging w. some of my favorite graduates/olderheads, and not doing PCC next year, or ever, scares me shitless.

this week=a midterm, a paper, an article, serious planning, work, hell hell hell! yeehaw

Movies to..

rent

El Topo
Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
The N9nes
Audition
Eraserhead
The assasination of Jesse James
49up
almost famous
Taxi cab from hell (?? haha what's this called again)

watch in theaters

The other Boleyn girl
4months, 3weeks, 2days
the jumper

[i can't sleep..will edit accordingly]

i sometimes

miss this. I've come across this picture way too many times this last week, and I do need to give props to ms. jardiel for capturing something very real. Every month or so I take a moment to reflect on people who've come in and out of my life, and this month, I chose you. I think what I'm so incredibly void of right now is the inspiration to create, and that's where you used to fit so snugly. It shocks me how drastically each college quarter changes my entire life.

I was blessed to be in the presence of greatness this weekend. I've never really been moved to tears by a speaker before, but at the Queer Pinoy Pinay Conference at UCSD, I was highly impressed by a Filipina Queer Identified teacher from the Bay Area. Will update with her full name/website soon, but she talked a lot about love and partnership in a very real, not overtly political (but really, extremely political) way. When she was talking about how she didn't want her children to be hated on for being in a "homosexual" household, when she talked about her children wondering whether they were white or not because of EVERYTHING in the media defines white as standard, when she talked about the gross objectification and double standard of the females in the club scene, I felt it. With a passion.

"What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains." -- Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire, 1947

I'm also very excited about the SDAFF (san diego film foundation) street team. Not sure if I really got the position yet, but it seems like a kind of kick ass way to be involved in a film festival and being exposed to the organizational aspects of it. Not to mention, getting to meet prominent asian american actors like John Cho come October. I love movies, and love seeing asian americans in movies, so hello perfection. Having invested the entirety of college to organizations in college, I like the idea of being involved in something that exposes me to more of San Diego.

Nice study break, back to Tehran. I'm considering a Middle East studies minor, in order to avoid the real world at all costs. a little ironic?

yea huh

surprisingly, had a wonderful 2/14. discovered a great tv show, planned a bitchin' mixer for kp, ate a delicious steak, bought color coordinated bathroom decor, was re-inspired to learn by behavioral economics. All in all, I think it's quite telling of how independence completely owns destructive emotional roller coaster. why do we always opt for the ride though

i'm quite excited for this weekend. for kp. for everything really. melanie's visiting so we're going to do the zoo on sunday. QPC shall be bitching as well. LIFE!!!!, form=function

this comic is awesome:
[http://www.viruscomix.com/page407.html]

today

I wrote down the sentence

"I think I want to do this for sure"-quite credibly too. Ambivalence is my forte! maybe.

I ate a traditional open face bagel

at quite possibly the greatest little bagel joint in all the world. Ok, fine..it's maybe the 5th bagel joint I've ever eaten at, but it's been a recommendation that's stuck for 4 years now. If you ever crave a strangely pleasing mix of raw salmon, bagel, cream cheese, capers, tomatoes, onions, and cute older asian woman hospitality, then you're in for a treat.

I paid $50 for a cab ride from downtown san diego to la jolla

and met this cab driver from Iran who emigrated over here 1977. He claimed it was only supposed to be a 2 week vacation, but realized the escalating circumstances of his home country and made a snap decision to alter his life dramatically. After the revolution in 79' he disallowed himself from ever looking back. Instead, fully adapting to the culture of bar ridden America, the graying Iranian taxi driver was a bachelor on the prowl, devoting his life's entirety to club hopping and driving great lengths for his cause. In his hey day san diego was apparently drab city, and LA was his eden. What's crazy though, is this middle aged hedonist used to be this political science major back in Iran, with dreams of becoming some top notch diplomat. Not that there's anything wrong with cab drivers, but talk about drastic career change. (cue: Ambivalence is my forte! ..what a harbinger)

I got an email from my mom

with pictures of decapitated bodies and severed limbs . It was one of those cute chain letter emails her cohorts send with such conviction it's adorable. You know, those emails about a 6 times detached 2nd cousin being the victim of some altogether unsurprising "freak accident!!!". The ones with those cautionary headlines and over emphatic syntax, that you know had to have been from either teenybopper or a housewife. Well this one was about not text-ing while driving, and apparently looking like a bad B movie prop is the unavoidable consequence. I replied to her email with a list of webcomics she'd enjoy, and sfw-porn.com, with the headline "lighten up".

I bought material

for a dress I plan on making in the future. That is, after I finish the purse made out of jeans, the tshirt with quotes from walden, the sweater vest with plaid trimmings. Oh seamstress I am not, however it kind of goes to show how I need direction and focus. I borrowed 3 completely different books from the library today, and know I'll never make a significant dent in any of them. One of them seems real nifty though, it's about our society's obsession with grotesque images. Think goatse/twogirlsonecup shit, the book explores our fascination towards these things. But instead of those web-nasty things, it's more like murder being artistic, and why there's that societal perception.

I ditched work

so I could finish the unnecessarily over detailed, underwhelming post about my very not so compelling day. that's so me. I think I just miss my writing classes.

i do this

I've been analyzing my trend with people lately. I think you could describe it on a concave graph with the parameters being the amount of hanging out/general interest over time (y var is amnt of seeing a person, x var is time). Naturally, factors such as general coolness, spontaneity, and life vivacity give each person a steeper slope. Fluctuations in the graph occur due to variables such as their closemindedness, our dissimilarity of interests, her sleeping with my ex, him being a chauvenist. But usually it flattens to E(V), though the marginal utility is diminishing. I have a concave friendship graph, and this is my realization, 3am in the morning @ the revelle biolab. I want to meet an exponential friend someday.

this doesn't do shit for my 2 econ midterms tomorrow.

procrastination nation

I've been procrastinating all day. First it was having life changing convos with this incredible visarts major at some hole in wall pasta place in pb. Now it's looking up random stuff online. I'm in no state to take a midterm on tuesday, and I'm bordering that denial phase, so I'll blog about cool shit I've discovered instead.

http://www.1000journals.com/index.php?view=Journals%2FIndex http://www.1001journals.com/journals/

Basically, kind of awesome. You get journals in the mail, put in your 2 cents, send em away to the next person. Generally get to keep the journal for a few weeks, and they have some pretty interesting topics. What's rad is you can start your own journals too, have them travel the world, and hopefully return to you. There's supposedly a few location based journals planted in certain coffee joints/public places that you can contribute to, but i haven't found any in CA.

The original 1000 journals project was made into a documentary/book (i remember reading about this at urban once, yes urban. i'll admit it), but the 1001 project is still open. Just have to register. Kind of your modern day, artsy fartsy, penpal shtick.

http://www.foundmagazine.com/

This other one is a dude guy who wants to compile a list of things found on the ground (to do lists, random notes, cards, etc) and people send them in to him.some of them are random as fcuk, it's great
"the most depressing grocery list". HAHA!