staceyann chin is fucking amazing

I'm not sure if it's my critical gender studies class or just my complete lack of concentration, but I've been looking through def poetry jam stuff tonight. This girl, is incredible. After finishing some bell hooks, this particular poem is quite perfect

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQOmyebFVV8&NR=1

What's cool, is that it's igniting the same thing in me bright eyes, rilo kiley, or dashboard did 4 or so years ago. I think spoken word is bitchin' in theory, but some of the time it's hard for me to pay full attention. For her though, it's so passionate and eloquent that it demands my admiration in full.

some more notables-

If only out of Vanity

"I want to be the girl your parents will use as a bad example of a lady.
I want to be the dyke who likes to fuck men.
I want to be the politician who never lies.
I want to be the girl who never ever cries.
I want to go down in history in a chapter marked miscellaneous because the author could find no other way to categorize me
in a world when classification is key.
I want to erase the straight lines so I can be free."

Speech @ The Gay Games VII

"amidst the new fangled fallacies
of sexual and racial freedom for all
these under-informed
self-congratulating
pseudo-intellectual utterances
reflect how apolitical the left has become

I don’t know why
but the term lesbian just seems so
confrontational to me
why can’t you people just say you date
other people?

Again I say nothing
tongue and courage tied with fear
I am at once livid
ashamed and paralyzed
by the neo-conservatism
breeding malicious amongst us

Gay
Lesbian
Bisexual
Transgender
Ally
Questioning
Two spirit
Non-gender conforming—every year we add a new letter
our community is happily expanding beyond the scope
of the dream stonewall sparked within us

yet everyday
I become more afraid to say black
or lesbian
or woman—everyday"

"if the tragedy does not immediately impact you
you don’t give a fuck

offer a social ladder to those of us inclined to climb
and watch the bottom of a movement fall out
a revolution once pregnant with expectation
flounders
without direction the privileged and the plundered
grow listless
apathetic and individualistic no one knows
where to vote
or what to vote for anymore

the faces that represent us
have begun to look like the ones who used to burn crosses"

thought

r&b is sounding more like electronica everyday. I'm loving Ne-Yo: Closer and Chris Brown: Forever because they make me feel like I'm at a rave.

i'm obsessed

with decorating my place. I'm pretty sure my friends think I'm heartless now because I scolded martin's dog for running all over my brand new mat. It's uber mod though! ikea's top o' the line

me and lulu spent an eternity at walmart, attempting to put together some makeshift dining table contraption. Unfortunately ended up not having enough mula anyways, whatta waste of life.

American Psycho is a really freaking good movie. Ellis seriously captures that eerie yuppie lifestyle so damn well, and bale is..well he's batman dude. Phil has the sickest TV too, holy crap... and a PS3, talk about new hangout spot. Juicy campus is the most retarded website I've ever frequented..haha, I felt like a hs kid seeing my first slambook with mengyun on that site today

transition retreat this weekend. I don't know why i love planning em so..but it's pretty much going to be awesome

why are

old school nick classics (gullah gullah island, rugrats, etc) so damn friggen comforting.

i dont get how some people are so repressed when i wear myself on my sleeve. sort of

i'm just excited to get on wid it. life will be SD next year, LA the year after that, and NY for god knows how long...i know it's fiscally unrealistic, and i know i'm idealistic, but fuck it man. I don't get myself, and don't plan on it anytime soon. Life's more interesting like that

ricsie said something that hit me full on this morning. when something works, it clicks. like straight up undeniable click, which doesn't suppress or deny itself. I think I've submitted a lot to shit that doesn't click as inevitably as other things do.. but what if you're the kind of person that's just too aware, so nothing, ever, "clicks"

well hell

would you rather be 5 or 25? I contemplate this quite regularly.

I was reading someone's xanga the other day (when i read someone's xanga. i read all their xanga) and was noticing how great a writer they were, but only when they talked about their boy. It's cute to be negative and hateful, but when she was loving and hopeful, it was worth reading

So ADD. I think if anything, it's self imposed, and it's for the sake of pure boredom. yea huh. I only pretend to have no concentration, because if i did, i'd be bored out of my wits. sorta

I hate how college..does things. how friends ditch you for relationships, how you can't do the family thing because of what your people would think, how everything is quite mercurial, how now brown cow

reality

i'm thinking more and more, you create it every moment.

life =)

I'm really fortunate. straight up. While my impending $1200 ticket for god knows what and my allergy imposing town home continuously frustrate me, I've temporarily disregarded all external irritations in light of today's realization

I'm happy with jobs I've been given. Though I've quite/fired/completely ignored some of the employers of the past, I've somehow managed to wander into the most fortunate opportunities. Every experience I dream up, I eventually live, and I'm so appreciative

And now I have an internship with 944 magazine. I can't even describe how lucky I feel. I'm also in limbo with an internship for discoversd. I wanted to write, and I'm doing it, and I can't even express how happy I am. Passion and ambition does wonders (along with sleeping with the boss, contemplating your standards to write about Paris Hilton's stiletto's, and utilizing the wonderous white lie on your resume)

i am epicurious

I am studying the origins of family and how the revolution from maternity run households to patriarchal capital machines, has epic implications for how the world turned out. "The overthrow of mother right was the world-historic defeat of the female sex" (Engels). The word familia means a totalitarian power over ones slaves, and was taken up by the Romans to define a unit where the father had the power of life and death over all his subjects, free or blood related.

I heard a track by a korean lesbian poet, titled "what if". my favorite line was- "what if adam ate the apple first"'

I get wrapped up in greek mythology, and wonder how women were viewed then. Think about walking marriages still practiced in remote areas of china and wonder what that feels like.

I see it everywhere, everyday, from female-centric porn to within my circle of friends. I hate it

I am not a feminist. I believe what my heart dictates, and try not to let the rest of the world mess me up. It gets quite confusing, when you realize how subjective right can be. When you question everything they feed you, it's easy to starve

But Gandhi did it

nonsenicalityness

when I'm exhausted..and I mean straight up can't-move-a-finger-for-fear-of-unconsciousness-exhausted, I can't for the life of me, figure out what's wrong. I guess I don't have a strong command and understanding of my bodily needs. This passes over to many other realms of my life, but let's not go there. Let's stay at exhaustion.

It's like, hunger, sleep depravity, neurosis, and mild depression all at once. Can't separate emotion from physicality, brains from nerves, it system overloads in an ugly disarray of idiosyncratic gestures that have this strangely predictable pattern. Which used to be exhilarating, a whole different box of adrenaline to toy around with, an adventure within my own head. But at this age it's obligatory. Figuring out what the fuck is going on inside this god forsaken frame takes way too many hours of my waking day.

First phase is that bipolar one, where I think it's because I'm not contacting the outside world. I find myself going down my phone list, trying to catch up with people I haven't seen in ages. Only to find I bore myself, and further irritate them. Figure that's not the problem and onto the trying to sleep bit.

That part is tricky. I go in and out of bouts of sort-of-sleep, then complete consciousness, and finally grotesque frustration with my stupidity. Who am I kidding! I had a good 12 hours. Tried the sheeps, the place of peace, whole shabang deal, and nada. So then..

Foodtime. Further encouraging my trail towards US obesity will not lift my spirits, or self esteem, and probably only make me more sluggishly aware of my daunting consciousness. It never works. Whether it's hot cocoa, warm milk, an animal style double double, or pad thai. Trust me, I've tried, thaid, animal style fried my way to potential contentment..and no luck

So what to do, when I can't watch a movie because I'm trailing off to barren desert of mental non-activity, when i can't carry on a rational conversation because my attention span rivals that of a goldfish, when I can't for the life of me try to do anything a fully functional capacitated human being should be able to do..

I blog, nonsensically might I add. But you're worst. You read this shit. neener

phase game

I don't want to play it anymore. I'm fully conscious that I meet new people, get wholly re-energized by their fresh presence, completely immerse myself in their world, and then get over it in a month. I don't know if it's college, or just my nature, but I'm starting to see it's flaws. I think it's high time for change.

My mind's been toying with the idea that it could be the absence of my ex. Which is unlikely, but an easy fall back.

Anyway, I'm excited about my classes this quarter. Completely free Tues/Thurs. Definitely doing a museum day Tuesday deal, and probably do the beach, a lot. Granted, I do Rimac, a lot, beforehand.

oh random memory. Yesterday I had a 2 hour talk with my boss about salvia and acid. It was surreal because the guy's 40, and he was talking about how social circles in his age group speak of how spiritual salvia can be. Apparently he went to some liberal arts college in florida and has continued on his path of open minded exploration. He hates that his wife's a debbie downer, and so suffocates himself in a workaholic's fantasy of driving back and forth from SD to LA working on a bajillion or so projects. It's kind of awesome how you can have a really good conversation with anyone, regardless of age race socioeconomic class etc, and how you'll never see it coming. At the end he jeered "See you on Tuesday, maybe we can do some salvia" Ha! people oh people

i feel like

I should feel. Like this is the right song I should dance to but I'm a wallflower. Like this is the right cause to protest but I'm motionless.

well 8 years is a long time. and in that time, nothing

nope. not much at all. I'm the same kid asking for the same things, not knowing where to go when life rains on your hood-less sweater. The same kid who freaks the fuck out when it comes to being there for them, when it comes to growing up, throwing away the peter pan vhs, when it comes to understanding tears "and shit", when it comes to everything outside my grasp.

well I can't say I miss you, because that assumes I knew you. and I knew you, but can't admit that I did. So had I known you more, I'm sure I'd miss you now, is the best I can do.

I think I knew you more than I let on though. Not the details, and I rest so desperately on details. But the movement of the "back then". I'm sure I could fake it. Sincerity was never my forte it's true. It's because I could never analyze a person outside of the way I've projected them onto me. You are wonderful because I'm so and so in relation to you. Point B only exists because point A is 45 degrees above it. Otherwise a singular point is infinitesimally tiny, invisible.

and still I'm analyzing you through me. can't I appreciate you through you? That's how your idea has conditioned me. That's what 8 years does. Leaves me forgetful and detached..behind crude calculations. Well, there there

I miss..
I wonder more than miss though. I really do. I can't even see your face. I think you were great, because it'd be horrible for someone to die if they were never great. People hope to god, that everyone lives in the scope of purpose. Well some people just die circumstantially, without achieving recognition, without even seeing their kids go to college. They just disappear like they never existed, stupid Eric clapton, why go and romanticize recycled matter with another timeless pop song

Yes some authors are immortalized once dead. Some leaders are worshiped only as a concept after they pass. But some run of the mill people, some of your average joe's, great heart but not great enough greg's, kind but not charismatic chris', are forgotten. And it's horrible to think, because society says some things are horrible to think, but I think those things. sometimes

rixntyna new hit

Just Like Brand New

CHORUS
Summer nights are all gone away
Four straight guys and one gay
Two girls along the way
Where have you gone
My summer nights

VERSE ONE
Wal Mart for Nerf wars
Drinking up till four
In the morning
actually five thirty
Sunrise so early
Don’t forget about jon lee x 2


CHORUS
Summer nights are all gone away
Four straight guys and one gay
Two girls along the way
Where have you gone
My summer nights

VERSE TWO
Can crushing in the dark
Secret lives left their marks
Eastgate u turn
Why didn't you turn
Back to me
Oh summer nights


END
At the end a final meal
Forgot to tell you how I feel
But thank you
Thank you
Thanks for what you’ve given me
A family

peace.love.unity.respect.

so it's posted in reverse order because i'm a tard. But I've decided to gear my recent entries to more of a photoblog, just because I re-found my camera. This night, was basically indescribable anyways, so pictures probably do it more justice. Basically, met a lot of friendly people, touched a lot of random shit, and rediscovered old friendship. =). perfect start to spring qtr 08'.

[we jacked sombreros and habib posed][robin hood and iguana]

[hero and my first bracelet!]

[panda and hair]

[SCORPION!!]

[OG crew. hot damn, we rep]