this

http://www.zeeworks.ca/paradise/

looks really cool. i really didn't like mirrormask much, but do have a soft spot for real aesthetic flicks. It's supposed to be about some girl who constantly doodles in class, and her doodles create these very living paper worlds. Eventually the worlds break off into war. The guy who's animating the movie is only 21, named zach lipovsky, and is my future husband.

on that note

sweet dreams are made of these

I dreamt about my dad and woke up in a cold sweat. It went something like this

he's been incognito for a decade now. Trying to avoid the results of an exorbitant heist crime, he's been living the life of a James Bonde-esque informant. He attempted a truly heinous robbery in our small town mental hospital in the late 90's. Convinced that security would let up when the robber claimed temporary insanity, it would allow for his conspirators to head in for the loot. Nobody realized institutions didn't really swindle cold hard cash, and that distracting security would forcibly free those wanting to flee. This temporary boredom led to the shutdown and re habitation of over 100 mentally ill patients. He didn't really need the money, I think it was his attempt at the world's most douche bag crime. He failed at that too, the next year someone unsuccessfully raided a hospice. So he fled, one part utter humiliation, one part the little tom sawyer, battered and repressed for the good part of his adult life. Cleverly forging his death, he was a hero to the brilliantly insane and a bastard to the flocks of normalcy.

Though his skin brown, he convinced all of his thoroughbred English upbringing (bloody hell, his accent was impeccable!) and gracefully climbed the steep tiers of the UK secret service. The lies convinced him so thoroughly, that the concept of a family and life in US suburbia was completely beyond his now-couture perception. He had believed whole heartedly that he contracted amnesia and was one of the institutionalized escapees from nowheretown, USA. Without a pause, his path was paved east, over the pacific, and as far as possible from the nothing he had in the nowhere he could hardly recall. His newfound role cemented a charisma and debonair which appealed to him from his formidable Hollywood-inspired adolescence. He remembered those names, Sean Connery, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, but forgot his own. Funny how selective amnesia works when you want it to

Rightfully so, I commend him. True freedom, from the self he's painstakingly molded for 40 years, from the family that economically bound him to his 9-5, from the fetters of being a Filipino in the US. I applaud him and felt no remorse. If anything it was jealousy.

It's rare i remember dreams.

I love how..

my mom, being the psychotic pop culture fiend she is, decides to text me about Heath Ledger's death, but can't manage a "how's it going?" text every now and then. 10 cents allotted to the death of some fallen starlet, but an empty inbox when my aunt undergoes a minor stroke. Oh life.

when I grow up, I want to be a bad ass.

i've been pretty inundated with crappy movies lately. However, watching them on a projector with a glass of wine makes a shitload of a difference than my humble 13". I want to be a bounty hunter. Or maybe a warhol factory girl. Seems to me like most movies I've seen lately have been completely inspired by someone else's life. Which is true, all art is recycled. But it's not even subtle about it, it's like here's the millionth adaptation of Warhol's life, probably not the number 1 rendition but definitely top 25. My theory is that all artists are just busy searching for a life more interesting than their own. However, they're getting really unoriginal in trying to cover that up. Some really craptastic movies have really interesting inspiration though.

Fiction is rare-Every book is an autobiography.

I kind of want to read more science fiction. I remember chris gave me a buncha philip k. dick stuff that I naturally shoved under my heap of shit i need to get to before i die. Which is ambitious since that pile is gigantic beyond belief. But I think that stuff is so innovative..I found a website that uploaded a bunch of vonnegut books, and since my boredom at work approaches the most desperate depths, it passed the time. His description of his brother is basically me and my sister verbatim:

"My longest experience with common decency, surely, has been with my older brother, my only brother...

We were given very different sorts of minds at birth. Bernard could never be a writer. I could never be a scientist. And, since we make our livings with our minds, we tend to think of them as gadgets-seperate from our awarenesses, from our central selves...

The minds we have been given enjoy the same sorts of jokes, at any rate-Mark Twain stuff, Laurel Hardy stuff.

They are equally disorderly, too."
-Slapstick, prologue

FYI

this last week can be summed up by drama (the good literal kind), movies galore, and a lack of class (the bad literal kind). Me and my roomate discovered this movie monologue site [ http://www.whysanity.net/monos/] which has taken up every waking moment. In fact, I coerced her into trying out for PCC, which should be interesting to say the least. ["Respect the cunt...tame the cock"-"Give me the valium!"]

I went to my first strip club on thursday. I was expecting a plethora of lowlife scums and ghetto pimps but was rudely disappointed when I realized normal everybody's go to cheetah's on a thursday. Rewind. The reason for this outing was not only to get some major ass and titty time (though it was rather pleasurable), this was in fact our plan B. My second fake got jacked, and this bouncer was an even bigger douche than the first one. Anyway, mingling with interesting cohorts from all walks of life outside the club made my night. Some guy offered me cuban cocaine and to kidnap me. Another taxi driver dude told me about his get-in-free card for all strip clubs in the greater san diego county. People are awesome.

So mexico. I've been meticulously planning to go for the last few weeks, so it seems only fitting it'd be completely spontaneous when I finally went. What was great was it was mexico-mexico, not college infested CLUB SAFARI with your obnoxious fratboys trying to insert their dicks into anything that moves. It was the most hilarious moment when we got in (I squeezed my way in first) with high hopes of seeing college kids in heat, and instead saw middle aged native TJ peeps actually dancing instead of dry humping. I was definitely having a blast salsa-ing with this 35 yr old mexican seductress. On the way back, my voyeur side took hold as I forced these gay guys to make out for my viewing pleasure. So I guess I now have a thing for homo-erotic white boys, dandy. This picture is the absolute most attractive thing I've seen in a while-

Anywho, life is stupendous from where I'm standing. The biggest irony of the now is that I find more joy playing guitar hero than the actual guitar, probably because I lack any real talent. I've also come to love this nifty online game called 3d logic, which totally owns bejeweled (yea anna, take that). and music, always!-

------------

maybe i would have been something you'd be good at
maybe you would have been something i'd be good at

(I've exhausted this song along with that ingrid michaelson-the way i am song three times over. And for once it's not because i have some deep emotional connection with it, it's just nice. I find myself liking that more, ear pleasing rather than life analyzing music. But I still love lyrics, in the same way I like a book because of it's artistic merit rather than me relating to the protagonist. I think this is called maturity)

i'm gunna keep a running list of movies i've watched to both ensure i'm fully taking advantage of my blockbuster account, and because i have a shitty memory:

Diving Bell & Butterfly, Dogma, Borat, Grandma's Boy

when dogma doesn't lift your spirits..

it was drab when the forecast read rainbow
you played robot when the radio played jazz
should've improvised but we stalled
chose the pedestal not the fall
would you rather, it bronzed to perfection?
every crack, corner, chasm..bronzed to perfection
a pretty souvenir at best,
and we could've gone for the gold

you chose unoriginal painting over the bowl of fruits
I chose mimicry and alcohol, and at one point, you

( imagine if relationships were all mapped out in one neat connect the dot child's puzzle. Each individual point symbolizes a finite relationship. One pretty compilation of the brief instances that real moments existed. What would yours look like? some people would have intense webs of confusion, others a single vibrant dot and a masterpiece in the background. There'd be completely linear maps, and then completely anachronistic ones. how about when they intersect..does compatibility exist because of similar maps? we'd like to think it doesn't matter. )

wake me up, before you go go

I'm in the process of finding something that'll effectively wake me up so i start doing this class thing. My mom called me 27 times this morning, and I still woke up past noon. See, I've developed this dormant turrets syndrome which kicks in whenever some kind hearted, naive soul consents to shifting my slumber. Consequently, I've lost a good number of friends, and even greater volume of respect from this knack. What's crazy is I completely end friendships and bring up take-it-to-the-grave secrets without even remembering. Andy suggested an alarm that sprays water, I was thinking more along the lines of a vibrating pillow. Regardless, I'm on a quest to find the most brilliant waking device, wish me luck.

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

other:
1 /2 / 3

Feel Good Revolution

ever read a book and feel like the author was completely regurgitating ish from every deep recess of your brain? Does it make you feel more original, or more like another product? This CrimeThinc book is rocking my world. It's my surrogate lover, my most intimate friend. Maybe my inner nerd is just reviving itself. Regardless, it's savvy

I picked up racquetball yesterday, which completely blew my mind. I miss adrenaline and competition. Though I never played any sports (save for a 5 year karate run, almost black byah!), I have this scary internal competitive drive that I hope will take over whenever i play. However, coordination is a completely different story.

There's this Italian guy sometime in the 1900's that took over a city that Italy didn't want to recognize. Him and his anarchist friend then decided to write a constitution completely centered on music, and have morning poetry readings and nightly concerts everyday. This bohemian dreamcity existed for 18months, not once missing a night of wine and dance. (paraphrased)

If you for once think life can have no alternative, that we're supposed to be worker bees producing useless items to climb the ladder of meaningless social hierarchies, then i'm sorry.

Freedom=adventure=discovery=laughter=music!=creativity=passion

Midnight talk with an anarchist

I will devote my life to getting to know anyone I come across who has it in their eyes. It's a spark, exciting me, enticing me to dance their dance of perspective. Share with me your brain, your background, and I'll be that much more accomplished. On my own accord.

No matter how typical yuppie or "tortured soul" someone looks, there's some other side of them. I got into a convo with the most gentle activist/social justice seeker in the world. Rather than suffocate me with biased non-negotiables, he offered insight. He facilitated, something he claims modern capitalist society downplays. Conversations are taught to be pointless nowadays, philosophy gets you nowhere. It's so engrained. Maybe philosophy gets us nowhere because we're not taught to appreciate the journey there. The journey there connects our souls, that goes without saying. People are too caught up trying to preach, to come out on top, rather than listen and understand. Humanity is flawless until we taint that with our judgements. I don't want to judge anymore, I want to discover that spark in everyone's eyes.

"People forget how one person can make a difference". Another useless humanitarian mantra? I think not. Maybe communism when applied to our everyday is impossible, but the thought is there. The thought is that people believe there's something more. An alternative to making money, branding ourselves, competition. wasting money on useless nothings that consequently make the already impoverished more poor, and the ungrateful more obese. "But loook at the evidence, a redistribution of wealth is impossible, improbable, and deeply flawed". We're working on it, but it's a thought. Don't downplay thoughts for hard fact! That's worst than 2nd degree murder in my eyes

The "dead hand of history", dictating to us what's right and wrong, without giving us a chance to figure this out on our own, is deafening. Without given a chance to cry out, our minds are surpressed. They need to roam. It's only natural. Everyone is a goddamn adventurer, and that's why this world is full of antidepressants and self destruction, because we're trained from the womb to contradict the yearning of our souls.

http://www.diggers.org/free_store1.htm

EXCERPT:
[He claims that he once ran a tattoo parlor in New Orleans, and made as much as five hundred dollars a week in it during Mardi Gras. Why did he give it up? "Why does anyone do anything?" he says.]

realization. fuck.

I might be able to graduate this spring with a management science major and poli sci minor.

which begs the question, should i?

My freakout level's at about a 90%, and climbing.

List of Lists

SHIT I WANT [how very hypocritical to my new anti materialism mantra]

• a dirt cheap fanny pack
• shoes that don't make me slip when I play frisbee on geisel
• a bigger cd collection (brit invasion stuff dude, school me)
• to see the complete issuance of same sex marriage during our generation
• to not be surprised whenever I see an asian in the entertainment industry
• More movie buddies, maybe a dvd burner..radness.
• http://books.google.com/books?id=zD7TBAAACAAJ&dq=inauthor:Barack+inauthor:Obama
• lifetime prescription to adderall
• to get stupid, dumb, and hyphy. sometime quick
• for sherwin to get rotations down in san diego

RECENT DISCOVERIES

• i love kevin smith and wes anderson

[I've just discovered the wonder of online shopping and purchsed an Evening with Kevin Smith 2 disc special for only $10!!! holy crap. This internet will seriously deplete my already negative bank account]

• country music is pretty rad, while i'm treading mainstream it makes me smile
• the now and then soundtrack dictates my life, especially the badfinger and free track
• according to an MBTI preference test brent made us take last board, i am an ENTP, which i feel is perfect

["Quick, ingenious, good at many things. Stimulating company, alert and outspoken. May argue for fun on either side of a question. Resourceful in solving new and challenging problems, but MAY NEGLECT ROUTINE ASSIGNMENTS. Apt to turn to one new interest after another. Skillful in finding logical reasons for what they want]

• I need to stop adding things to my plate.

[As of right now I have: VP of KP, Dorsee productions, hindsight studios, Asgaard branding, Arlie Ricasa Fundraiser, PCN Preview night for San diego..oh yea, and graduation hopefully]

• key to life is to live it on your own, and realize what you want instead of what you need. Living a life of vicariousness is horrible, giving in to every which fix, instead of clearing your head enough. You don't realize which activities are helping you discover as opposed to confusing your inner being.
• When it comes down to it, i love my major. My last two Econ classes (experimental, and behavioral economics) are basically what i'd want to research if I decide to go down that path. I think a lot of my animosity towards econ has been everybody else's apathy in the major, my reasoning being, why should I give a shit about this if nobody else does

[in addition, this capitalism essay i'm reading is making me think that our society was so wrong in choosing $$$ as the path to success. All the hierarchy and manipulation castes that a capitalist society creates are unnerving. I want to catch my food and explore the mountains damnit. I'm not communist right now, but i'm more of an adaptist]

UPCOMING EVENTS

1/26/08: Kaibigang Pilipino's High School Conference

1/27/08: planning an arlie ricasa college mixer/fundraiser [http://www.votericasa.com/]

3/7/08: planning a cultural night preview for san diego area/ Dance for college kids @ USD


PARTING WORDS

"Even from here, I can taste the question already on the tip of your tongue: isn't this utopian?

Well of course it is. You know what everyone's greatest fear is? It is that ll the dreams we have, all the crazy ideas and aspirations, all the impossible romantic longings and utopian visions CAN come true, that the world CAN grant our wishes. People spend their lives doing everything in their power to fend off that possibility: they beat themselves up with every kind of insecurity, sabotage their own efforts, undermine love affairs and cry sour grapes before the world even has a chance to defeat them..because no weight could be heavier to bear than the possibility that everything we want IS possible"

-Days of War, Nights of Love CRIMETHINK FOR BEGINNERS

Synapse relapse

The past few days have been fly as fuck. Exploring life, re-habitating my run down apartment, and gearing up for a new quarter has taken a good chunk of my time up. With all the KP/FCC/SAAC events coming up, mixing in a pinch of work, attempting studying, and fitting some form of a social life, I have a huge ass load ahead of me. Hell yes, go overambition.

A scary realization that this is now my life, has been surprisingly well received by my inner spoiled brat. My movie store subscription has always served as a symbolic gesture ratifying my resettlement. Yesterday I signed up for an online blockbuster account, and finally feel like a integral part of the Greater San Diego.

On Friday I had dinner at Donovan's/watching Jesus Christ Superstar with Ading Micki and her family. I love hanging out w. families since I've passed my awkward adult phase, and realize now that parents are (sometimes) functional people too. Hearing life stories always makes for good times, and nothing better to top it off with than a blasphemous theatrical production. Apparently this was their "ending show" where they had members of the original cast from 30 years ago performing on stage one last time. Egomaniacs believing they have the same amount of energy and perfect pitch as their youth wasn't pretty. Their dance moves were a little more lackluster, and their wheezing between solos did not go unnoticed. Watching a 50 year old Kenny Roger's wannabe as Jesus belching out psalms, can only be tolerated to certain degree.

I've had 2 dance parties within the last 2 days. By dance party, I mean a group of 5-10 TAO fanatics, itchin for a re-do. DJ ipod and lamp flickering aside, they were pretty damn enjoyable. Exploringi the La Jolla cove and racing around the random ass miramar building at 2am in the morning made me re-realize life was meant to be lived, not observed.

To quote Charlie, from the perks of being a wallflower, the last few days have made me feel "infinite".

Ringin' in the New Year

It was epic. really. Hands down, the greatest NYE so far, and in the running for one of the top 5 nights of my life. The vivid description of my 9th grade health class rave left me with images of widespread HIV needles flying about, inevitable OD's over the unutterable happy pills, and the catastrophic coming together of civilization's most decrepit bottomdwellers. And I am now a certified member of those murky ranks...score! Appreciating free love, sexual exploration, and chemical influence from afar is different than experiencing it front row center. I want an encore, bad.

We're all rebels trying to be the animals we've forgotten we are, as deduced from the 5am car ride from SD to Buena Park this morning. People are trying to live up to their instincts, and each time they try a new substance, they want to estrange themselves from a being that's become so molded and beaten by a "culture" completely out of our control. By the time adolescents reach young adulthood, they're taught that everything they naturally desire is taboo, simply based on the myth of the mainstream. So they pick their poison, forget about society, and act the way they were created too, that exact moment in time. And it's beautiful

FUCK inhibition, FUCK keeping up with the Jones'. It's all about good good good, good vibrations.

Needless to say, this probably isn't the dawning of newfound hedonism or a drastic career change to that of a la jolla bum, but it's pivotal. I don't know if I can revert. Actually I know I can, but I definitely pass. Already, plans to explore mental depths via new substances have been made, tattoo dates toyed with, and peace sign paraphenelia have spontaneously sprouted over every accesory on my body. I want to bust out the old sewing machine, and naturally tie dye every shirt I create with old scrap material. I want to read every bohemian manuscript every created. I want to stop my fascination with other peoples lives, sign on facebook less, turn off VH1, and just exist, outside the vicariousness.

There's a passion that's undeniable, and that excitement, is life. Life is a song, you just need to learn the rhythym. Everything that's beautiful is musical..from romance, to art, to conversation, to laughter. The bass line for mine is apparently "party animal" according to relapses from the last 3 days , but to each his/her own.

This is my rebirth. Though I rediscover myself on a daily basis, this feels less fleeting. A force to be reckoned with, in the best way possible. Okay, this was just an overview.

On a side note, I'm half excited to watch the remake of The Eye with Jessica Alba and The Mist. Since I'm now working as an independent contractor to talk up a second rate B-flick on the net, i'm trying to do a crash course on horror. I've watched a tokyo gore/japanese horror/teenage slasher every now and then, but I desperately need amateur schooling on the classics. Or just a movie buddy.

Dear 2008,

I'm already in love with you. Although I don't believe in love at first sight, I hold strong my first impressions. Please don't let me down like all your predecessors.

I promise I'll keep my resolutions, do my chores, be independent. In return I beg you to continue doing what you've done so far, surprise me. Every twist and turn electrifies my spirit.

Sincerely Me