Redirect, and hone in on what matters

So technology..I'm around it 24/7 due to work, and in all honesty it excites me.  I get to do CES next month (and involuntarily stalk olivia munn for the fanatic G4 boyfriend), and am completely stoked for the gizmos and gadgets that'll inevitably blow my mind.  I've oft imagined myself as some futuresque femme fatal, defending the world from binary bastards with cognitive mind force.  While I wait for my prophetic destiny, I figure I might as well read up more on what's about to change the world.

Here's my Tech-related pick for today. Yes you can probably find this on the trillion and one blogs out there for ze prodigal tech-junkie, but I think my taste in consumer friendly electronics is quite impeccable :P.  

Late Fragment

Remember those bomb-ass Choose Your Own Adventure books?  Well they've gone 21st century, and have vomitted all over your blu-ray/dvd interface.  Three Canadian directors have filmed this interactive movie, drawing inspiration from asymmetrical plot twists such as 'Memento' and 'The Usual Suspects'.  The action suspense genre gives way to 139 different scenes that can be accessed via remote control, granted you choose certain options at certain times.  

While this is the first interactive Dvd adventure, the industry appears to be releasing a similarly designed interface for a on-screen Musical. I'm pretty sure I dreamt up this digital choose your own adventure about 5 years ago, but cheers to Canada for bringing it to fruition, and doing something quite gnarly.

---

Alright, Christmas time.  Heading back to chino hills tomorrow for loads of food, unending fatigue, and shameless self promotion.   I hate gloating around family, but sometimes I think ego is the only thing their radar picks up these days. I'm happy Chen & Gonzaga are accompanying, hurrah for fam/friend awkwardness!

holiday bush o8..best christmas tree I've ever had

What's supremely grand

and mildly unexpected..

I was sifting through my journals of 12, 14, 17 years old, and in my most aged, unassuming blue leather-bound I have quotes appreciated at the tender age of 13. In black sharpie, passionately engraved more so than written on the 8.5x11 was a quote by Joan Baez. THE Joan Baez. Before I understood what a hippie was or rocked out to hendrix, probably even before I had any taste for music aside from ariel's part of your world solo, I was quoting the legendary hippie-goddess. Emphatically, emotionally, and almost like I created the phrase myself rests-

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now"
- 5/13/2000,

Now, more than ever, would I learn volumes from my 13 year old self.

Rituals

For those unfortunate souls diagnosed with the curse of neo-ADD, it's quite the skill to dutifully take on any ritual. That said, I believe blogging is my cure to procrastination

It's my means of clarification via self absorbed doting. It's cathartic and confusing all at once. A thoughtful premise before the storm. A cute little packaged distraction.

Anyway, Halloween was good.

We went to the We-Ho parade and had a blast. It was basically a 'No on 8'-fest, chocked full of downe divas starving for the attention they never got as a child. Snuck into this club named apple, ardently proclaiming we were 'on the list' and shamelessly dashing up the stairs to dodge cover. Never so much drama and confusion in one night, it was fucking awesome. Apparently my mom was also wandering the area with her indian friends, donning a G.I.-Hoe fit'. wtf.

I played genie-slut and bare-midriffed it, sherwin was some seizure inducing runner, chen was the missing village people member, anna did nerd, but sluttilly so, laurie was playboy bunny minus the cleavage (but not for lack thereof!) and virginia was waldo for fear of betty rubble disastor part deux.

Morning after we shopped the fuck out of my wallet. It was painful, even as 'baller' as I proclaim to be. Free eyebrow threading at this random store and I bawled my eyes out while virginia and even sherwin braved the unknown with an indifference.

What made it all the better was my quitting my job on Friday. Rash, maybe. Necessary, definitely. I am free and ready to rock steady (trying to exercise cheesiness...944 article due by 9am tom).

PS- this weekend was really fun. Lazing and OC - marathoning all sunday for 7 hours was fun. I think being bummy with people I enjoy makes me feel real. and inspired.

Day 5: On sucking

It's easy to suck at something when you have an expectation. Example, I have this nifty blog project where I post once a day. My suck-worthy nature naturally makes me acknowledge my goal, and boldly disregard it. Like remnants of teenage rebelliousness.

Regardless, I'll just post in general, and see what comes of it.

I very well may have an interview with Kiss frontman, Paul Stanley, next week. I'm stoked :) and mildly nervous considering I've had 2 phone interviews that basically sucked.

I also held the box of an android yesterday. It was intense. Not that I saw it, or played with it's interface, but just knowing I held the future for mobile in my hands was intimidating.

Day 4: On Age

There are some people who need to love. Not necessarily need to feel loved because they had some fucked up childhood, but need to love someone. Because if you have all this pent up passion, and you invest it in what..your new kicks? then it all goes to shit.

I once got a fortune cookie that said - You shine in love.

I used to think relationships before 25 ruined your career. Now I get that careers before 25 ruin your future relationships.

back to work.

Day 3: On and On

nothing much today. Worked around 10 hours and participated in my first creative brainstorming session for my communications firm.  The belief that I could exercise innovation, and get paid for it, hasn't really set in yet.  After the debauchery at my other marketing internship, imagination became so capital

I want to read more.  But i think I need a place to read. Or maybe first a place to live 

Day 2: On Weed

I used to constantly wonder what everyone "smoked two joints in the mornin'" for, but I've grown content with the fact my body doesn't appreciate the effect.  It leaves me somewhat lonesome, but productively so.  The only negative side effect of me avoiding the pothead life is my increased affinity to alcoholism.  But, whatever

I write, therefore I drink

and I'm still procrastinating over coffee.  

Day 1: On Procrastination. Again.

What I have is not so much of a conscience, as it is a ridiculously comprehensive memory that refuses to stop swarming.  So what some may mistake as random acts of gratuity, are really instances of my mind unable to avoid thinking of that task.

hanging in gelato, scarfing down a not-from-TJ, TJ-hotdog, and experiencing a spastic amount of writers block. Sooo sorry if Maybach's and Birkin's don't excite my soul.

Sherwin and Chen won't stop talking about China.  As interesting as one-child laws and Maoism are, I need to focus. 

New project: post a day. today is day 1 

edit: will try to do this 100 days in a row, for my life is infinitely interesting. please note heavy sarcasm and self deprecation.  

long time, old friend

I've been a little mia. With friends, in the blogosphere, in the filipino community. I think it's my desperate need to detach from everything every few months or so, in order to reevaluate and grow. That, or I'm quite transient when I have no housing. Either way, I'd like to think I'm back

I've been blogging about the most insignificant things for 944 lately. I posted a largely hateful rant against facebook-politicos who spend more time advocating the fbook facelift than anything of actual significance. While I believed everyword I put, my conviction was severely lacking. I've also bloggged about Palin over five times, and still don't know too much about her.

School's starting, and for the first time, it's not my number one priority (ha, I kid). In fact it's probably more around number 4 on the important list, making way for my 2 jobs and 1 internship. I think next quarter will be a delicious hell, chocked full of energy drinks and panic attacks. Hope the boyfriend is ready for my bipolarity, though with everything we've already been through, don't have much to worry about.

Summer has transformed since the summer of childhood. The pool visits are replaced with 15 min breaks from full time gigs, the bikini has evolved into three piece business suits. It's nice, but, responsibly so.

Sentimental Guy

As i sit here typing, like I've done a thousand times over
in a thousand different lifetimes
always post midnight
never after too large a meal
I keenly observe my delicately strategic spot

without a hint of pretension it greets
me
home and alone
at the wee hours of whenever
humming silently to the clever
strung along words of my most current five piece find

I'm more content here, than there

I'm always there though.
So that here is always better
So that here stays divine
not worn away by silly time
circle plots and connect the dots
that only form an outlined larger spot
to be connected, to god knows what

you know

this is ultimate freedom.
being plastered to my mind
flying through thought world at a thousand miles at a time
no police regulating rhyme, man

papers in disarray, dated back four years
clinging desperately to what once inspired tears
is off
off like a scrumptiously satiating soup on a scorching summer day
off like you now
off like me then
off.

in the life that loved him
in the life that missed her
in life and death, sickness, health
decrepit poverty and obnoxious wealth
I clung with every ounce of sincerity
to this spot.
That makes sense only because it makes no sense
that doesn't abide by the rules of tense

free to type away the night
stare a musing in the eye, not cower in fright
brainstorming this world's wirings
while imagining the next
I sit, ecstatic, via tangible text

stumbleupon why have you forsaken me

Top three interesting bits of info for today (I'm thinking of doing this daily, to keep myself engaged in the world outside my mind, and to not let go 944 blogging material):

1. The Georgia reporter who got shot in the arm and kept reporting, and recently, the Turkish reporter who got shot in the eye. God I love the risk in journalism
2. Obama and Clinton. please, oh please
3. Spanish Olympians slanting their eyes. hm. smart on

God, class is a bore.

wow

in all seriousness, this conversation really just happened:

eli: hey just a reminder to talk to your boss about the arraigned marriage article or if you can just get me contact info so my people can get in touch with your people

feeling old, sleezy, and quite powerless.

puddle o mudd

there was a 5.8 earthquake and the epicenter was my humble chino hills. Yippee, the one time my suburbia gets any regional recognition for something other than excessive Starbucks or overpriced Japanese restaurants. My sister was alone at home, and while she is entering college next year and has all the noticeable characteristics of a 17 year old rebelw/ocause, she's still her 9 year old tiara clad runt in my mind. And for that 9 year old self to be forlorn atop shifting plates, scares me.

I want to know what she was thinking the instant it happened. To be alone in a 4 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom, 2 story house, your mom 80 miles away, your sister God knows where, what type of sordid speculations go through the mind of a teenage cynic. I wonder if she had a "this is the moment before I pass" moments, if she sifted through the memories of her life, and what she came up with.

blah blah. I'm pretty good at this procrastinating thing. It's what an active imagination does to already questionable work ethic. Anyways, i'm going to make it a point to write something here everyday, adieu till then

tame that shrew

tis true, my friend brought it to my attention that I haven't been blogging lately. I get into these bouts of self obsession to the point where I forget I need to remember, and the best way of remembering for me is with words. All of a sudden there's a whir of colors and outings, faces and places that won't last for lack of sobriety or interest. So update on me, by me (though it'd be beyond rad to have an update on me by someone else, like jesus, or my liver, or my couch):

I've had 2 conference calls where I've been interviewing people for my september assignments. I used to believe there was nothing more awkward than a phone conversation, and now I know there is- a phone conference conversation. This is mostly due to the non-participative other people listening in on my awkward ums and overzealousness. As the interviewer I over analyze my questions, and it's really a difficult situation for all said parties. On top of that my conference call today disconnected a total of 3 times, each time I dialed back in and tried to bust a congenial retort on my bipolar phone. Noticeably, they weren't having it

For someone who's quite self aware, it's painstaking to the max and I opt out of any future instances. Oh technology, How do I loathe thee? may I count the ways.

This weekend was nonstop. Went to comic con yesterday, and while avoiding the mystical world of first person cosplay, definitely indulged in vicarious stupor. We coined the term blowfish for every person who could only borderline fit their costume. Honorary mention was this corpulant ursula who encored in my nightmare last night, belly first. Regardless, twas a blast, and we were selling with the director of the debut and some apia hollywood heads. That world is surreally small, and i'm itching to be a part of it soon

TBC [have only 10 more min before my mind droning "for the man" job, and writing deadlines=anxiety]

happy birthday america

if there's anything constant, it's my affinity to drama. Not baby mama drama in the high school sense of the word, but change and passion for a consistently inconsistent world. It keeps me on my toes; every passing glance is an unspoken flirtation, each meal my last, every jog I'm running from some notorious drug lord.. imagination does wonders. Everything is fresh as long as you will it so

that said, good weekend. I feel like I'm on vacation from life sometimes. Amidst the hyperbolic patriotism and excruciating heat, there was fun. An undying love for smashbros was rediscovered, as well as my inability to deny booze whenever tempted. Fireworks at Coronado, courtesy of a planning session with rics, was sheer success. Though car two got to watch the fireworks atop a ferry, I'd say oogling at man-made light patterns on the beach was comparable. And alcohol induced movie poster passing does wonders for an ego

A lot of explorin' SD through consumer culture this weekend. Frequented PB the whole of this week on a rampant search for the perfect black v neck. Failed miserably. Perfected the art of window shopping. Watched depressing druggie movies at 6am. Consumed too many delicious (though pricey) meals. Attended a one woman show @ La jolla playhouse (which was definitely a work in progress). I sometimes feel like I'm finally turning into the urbanite my mom was always rearing me up to be, except now on my own accord.

It's weird when you start realizing what you want. For my floater self I just kind of go with it, but when things start to materialize, and I gradually grasp what I enjoy and what I don't, it's that next bit that scares me. Making a decision. Could be that you realize you don't truly enjoy a friend's company, or you undeniably love tacky music. Either way you have to readjust some of your ways. It's just that some choices are irreversible, and you never know till you make em'. and I babble

It's weird how, to this day, I can't really write with music. I tried to blast some rilo kiley prior to this post, but there's something that collides when it comes to music and word flow. That, or i'm mentally retarded. I'm guessing the latter

some people really don't know me

Somebody has just compared you with one of his friends and thinks you are more reliable.

1:42pm
-----

nuff' said. I find it funny how completely lost I am when work is canceled. What to do, what to do. Oh but of course, clics..perfect sense no? In truth, I am the nerd I was always reared to be. Sure, I drink and dabble in social shit, but my ultimate state of contentment is reading or writing or 'rithmetic type stuff. That, and ambition.

Man ambition makes me delirious when i truly immerse myself in it. It's like a coherent medium for adventure. Sure, it'd be great to spend your days exploring distant lands and what not, but a girls got to eat. And ambition, helps you function normally in society while quenching your thirst for spontaneity. I once described it as the only suitable alternative to love.

and I'm off! Happy Hour, then who knows? I think that's the best sort of plan you can have

me, via similarminds.com

messy, outgoing, open, self revealing, ambivalent about chaos, unpredictable, not good at saving money, social, likes large parties, likes to stand out, risk taker, quick to make friends, does not like to be alone, rash, fame seeking, sarcastic, craves attention, social chameleon, low self control, food lover, not rule conscious, weird, assertive, not a perfectionist, anti-authority, thrill seeker, vain, likes to fit in, reckless, emotionally sensitive, leisurely, trusting

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

it's true.

http://similarminds.com/global-adv.html

relaxi taxi

this weekend has been bomb freakin diggity. Aside from yet again making an utter fool of myself whilst trashed, last night was a blast. From thriftin @ hillcrest to jammin with our "band" then pongin' it up with anna/peter/rogelio etc good times are a-rolling. I'm reconnecting with my roomie, and finding time to kick it with my old suitemates too.

Today I got lunch with sonia then dropped her off at the airport. I love it when we chill because I always get the best book recommendations. Although I've tried to veer off Palahniuk, I couldn't help it and bummed rant. After comparing twisted lives and quirks over strawberry lemonade, we made plans. From open mic nights to book clubs to comedy shows...this summer will be good

Afterwards, I hit up coronado since I was pretty much there already. That place does wonders for relaxation. Granted, it is THE bourgeoisie haven in SD, there's something so calming the second you cross the bridge. I made a project out of it, results to be posted. It was nice though, for father's day, going back to where he first lived in the US. Oh the spiritual shit people do for kicks

I'm thinking of planning a biking trip next weekend. Just explore SD, stay at a hostel or a friend's place in OB/NorthPark, and just discover. My mom is completely against my having a bike (oh, mothers) so I may have to fund this project. Adventure inspired by Ricsie running into two strangers who wanted to bike all down the West Coast. Apparently they're from CT and decided to start in Canada and are pedaling there way through SD this weekend. Sick shit

Tomorrow we're gunna go backpacking/hiking around san diego. I hope we find some good trails.

heartsongs

so i gravitate to ultra mellow yellow tracks. What's new. My first alternative album was The Early November & The Ataris, and Dashboard was the soundtrack for my formidable teenage years. So what it's bleeding heart, typical tragic teen stuff. I've come to the point where it isn't my sole method for coping, but just stuff that makes me feel like home.


That said, I'm loving weezer's new red album. In honor of track 4- heartsongs, I've decided to one day make a post of all my heart songs. No time ahora, finals pwn life.

I wish I was musically inclined so I could've found three people who loved rhythm, and just done that the rest of my life. This whole jammin' out with my pathetic rendition of what guitar chords are is a stint I don't want to end. Maybe it's another fleeting dream; after 2 drum lessons I was over it, after my 2 yr piano run I had nightmares of those ivory keys for months on end. But hell, music makes more sense than anything (and yes, I am biting off that mock-hendrix character in across the universe, his words rang damn true)

I'm realizing slowly but surely

this is the life I was destined to live. By destiny of course I mean a carefully crafted schedule of classes, a brilliantly impeccable resume of lies, delusions of grandeur, and years of tortured soul tantrums with ex-lovers, leading unpredictably to overly poetic penmanship. Nonetheless, it's nice to realize my past can very fortunately effect my future, and that freedom from a fettered childhood is the most invigorating thing.

944's June issue came out today, and it was surreal seeing yours truly in the Masthead. Granted, it was 5pt font under the title-minor contributors, and one of the last in over 50 names, but hell, I wanna gloat k. Unfortunately, I have to miss the release party for I've recently surrendered my evenings to the man. Doing what you love apparently costs an arm, a leg, and $4.25 a gallon for gas.

well, sex.

after a mind-numbing 3 hours straight of SATC, analyzing and reinterpreting everything relationship, and talking essentially 24 hrs straight about psuedo love w. mengyun, i'm over it.

I'm over the investing, over the games, over it. exerting a lot of myself into things that oft end up in some sort of grotesque adaptation of a cute teen flick gone awry is not my idea of fun. It's predictable, unproductive, and all too exhausting. Since when did all this mushy love stuff embody the bane of my existence... when did the hopeless romantic choose the antics of an all too common realist.

so it's june. essentially, marking 6 months of my all too successful single-dom. Cue chariots of fire, five piece bandstand, and nauseating confetti. It's quite a triumph really. This is the girl still paying off her $200 bet in 2007, on the failed grounds of staying single for a month. If you come this far, it's not healthy to so much as think about anything man. You come to cherish the quiet things- having time to do laundry, running on natural circadian rhythm, falling into unforgiving love affairs with ben&jerry's, and it's peace like that.

I've come to realize the two necessary aspects of my core are ambition/career, and relationships. If one is a roller coaster, the other better be calm waters, or i'm thrown off. The last few months, both have uncharacteristically been out of order. Now that my summer seems orderly- gimme my social ruckus already



"Give me freedom. Freedom from a system that plasters me senseless to some male counterpart. That renders me defenseless as only a part of a whole. With words by Simone lulling me to sleep not that lethal bite of lust defining my night, I'm free. With Kant's reasoning engaging my mind instead of future strangers convoluting my time, I'm free. Outside the periphery of companionship there's dimensions unchartered. Terrain exposed, why choose the broken road? Because it's warmer? Your hand grasping closed the one you could love? Because it's safer, knowing you have a same leveled someone, if only for a second. Fuck it, give me the road that leads to greatness, dodge distractions of the physical, and let me run to that open field of success. Pave my path to the dazzling unknown and I will gladly walk it alone."

i'm in love with vladimir nabokov

opening- "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita. Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, an initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for fancy prose style. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns."

I've read that to more than a handful of people. how engaging! long live the tragicomedy

yes

i love redecorating my place.

on a saturday

it's been a while since I've had some much deserving, sincerely me time. I miss it a little, really do.

Yesterday I saw Zandi at the cross cultural all peoples celebration. Zandi is basically amazing on all levels, going on a traveling NY Broadway troupe this year with a starring role even though she just graduated last year. Whenever I talk to that girl I'm so inspired and feel every ounce of passion she exhibits whenever on stage. It was awesome because she was talking about how if I ever go to NY and need a friend, or have questions about it, she's only a call away. And there are people who just say that, and people who mean it, and I believe she is the latter. She said NY was a place for people like us, and i just can't wait anymore..yay inspiration

other than that, my life's been a whirl of interviews, Filipinos, internship, writing, and...uhm..school? oh yea that. to finally sit and fully absorb Deathcab's new album in Saturday's waking hours, is some kind of miracle.

Memorial weekend should be chill on all accords. Though there's my ex roomies bday tomorrow, the 944 party later, a 4th year outing, and finally a spaces gala tonight..I'm thinking they'll all be somewhat chill. Edit. I'm, hoping, a lot. I need to regain my bearings, hang out with the people I should be catching up with, and just bask in life's beauty. I have the apartment to myself this weekend, and couldn't be more excited to morph into OCD-Buquid and have my way with it.

I've also been thinking a lot about how feelings for a person, are beyond thought. How when you like someone, it's impossible to vocalize why, and when you do, it's all kinds of stupid. Up till this point I've been able to neatly bullet point every reason why I'm attracted to person A/B/C/etc, attributing my "liking" for a person to his musical aptitude, gpa, or love for books. I'm talking about years of this systematic determining of my new beau. It's when someone really messes with that system, that you realize that nothing about emotion is definable. It's the anomaly defying this fine tuned machine, that makes you throw out the unworkable scraps. funny huh

RIP brain cells

this weekend has drained every last bit of any mental capacity. From sungod to semi this post is a memorial for this millions of dead brain cells due to collegiate festivities. Though sungod sucked ass relative to previous years, I still had a motherfuckin' blast and can't wait to live up this last year of college. I feel like life is coming full force, and must relish these bouts of immaturity before i sign my soul to the man, and stuff.

Started off semi with something I foresee becoming a tradition, 6am kick off @ silver fox. All events that followed are somewhat of a blur, but notable mention was my random trip to buffalo when shopping for our sweatshop free fashion show this week. Imagine that, inebriated thrifting for a bunch of clothes I didn't need to pay for..dream come true or what. Best part had to be Roel's obsession w. white boots and my prancing around buffalo as super space cadet christina.

Then there was rock climbing, cutting in line multiple times with lisa, and randomly seeing everyone and their mom's @ ihouse when i brought my ading la jager. A lot of a laughing, a little nausea, and a whole crapload of people i haven't seen in ages equates to your very standard swankified sungod.

Though sean kingston was as brilliantly plain as predicted, say anything was surprisingly enjoyable and coheed was a spectacle. his hair is the shit, and would have a lovechild with that cousin it of a creature just for being so bad ass.

Saturday woke up with the world's most heinous hangover, definitely needing some of that pho fix. Tsismis-ed with the rave crew I guess? Jon Jars Phil and Meng know how to ease that hangover, especially with the beauty of sugar in pho. Who'dve thought huh. Anyway, semi after that was...well..good when the ball started rollin

Apprehensive over my buffalo fit' manglala & roel coerced me into buying, it took a while for my to just kick back in my sobriety and have a good time. After a desperate run to food4less, white russians did us good and we hotel partied it up. Running around throwing petals everywhere in our room was apparently a stupid idea when the kahlua wore off, and jumping up and down with rics and idelle on the bed was so nostalgic =).

Semi is always so different for me. It's only been a year and how dramatically different my life has become continues to amaze me. It's a good amazement though, for the most part.

Today has been nonstop getting my shit together after a weekend of impropriety. SPACES interview to SDAFF street team meeting to SDAFF screening of Iris Cheng to CAP rice bowl to Fashion Show outfit choosing...nonstop. but busy in the best way possible

and here I rest..nestled in my favorite geisel spot. Completely procrastinating my paper on the Iranian Revolution like i've done time and time before, by blogging pointlessly to you dear blogspot. Oh, life =)

call me elementary

but i really enjoyed this. it felt unexpectedly real, or just hit home without having any legitimate relevance to my life, or maybe I just needed a downright good ol' chick flick. Regardless, nothing works better than some of that blockbuster therapy any given Thursday.

I feel like the whole movie was somebody's life, all facts in check. From occupations to character habits, the writer basically took his/her life and broadcasted it to the world, nothing compromised. Though Reynolds is one of those Jason-Biggs can't comprehend your credibility type characters, and the Dakota Fanning protege-child got on my last nerve, I wound up enraptured.

hello my name is

christina and on paper, i work. I have this wonderful internship that I can't figure out why I deserve, my future is bright at the brink of my early twenties, I have a guitar and books that I am addicted to, I run almost daily now so that my endorphin count is at an all time high, and I have a milieu of characters who come in and out of my life to pass the time. I'm writing almost constantly, which is great because it really is my passion. To convey to the world and try to translate the incomprehensible is a challenge I will always be up for. There's something I don't have though, and i'm not sure what it is.

I'm not sure I've ever had it. Even in my state of utmost contentment I think I've always been searching. It's weird because I'm completely aware of every part of me. I love art and expression but hate it's obscurity and it's disconnect from the rest of the world. I long to be connected at every moment to everyone, and life just isn't set up like that. I connect to words and songs like no other, more than other people sometimes. I read biographies to see how other people are doing things, and I finally conclude that everyone is always searching. Either that or have lost respectability.

I think a lot and wish that other people expressed how much they think. I'm sure everyone thinks a lot, but it's rare for people to be comfortable enough to express their confusion since by this point people feel they should be figured out. Because that's what life says. I constantly wonder why I am the way I am and attribute it to my childhood. A lot.

words immortalized by larsen- "Life's short, let's share it". perfect

back in love

so my love affair with written words was put on a 10 year hiatus due to inevitable puberty, social conformity bouts, a wanting to do exactly opposite of what teachers told me to, etc. Regardless, I'm back in my autodidact state, inclined to consuming anything print, and stopping at nothing short of scanning the enquirer(I'm talking about keeping tabs on paris hilton k, my appetite's that insatiable). My ubiquitous ADD serves as somewhat of an impediment, for I find myself starting dozens of books and not even reaching the middle. That said, here's my list of what I want to finish this quarter..let my online declaration keep me accountable

i want to feel like this

all the time. (from Murakami's exhibition @ MOCA this last winter)


good weekend, at least prior to cramming two papers due tomorrow. Danceism @ LA was quite an interesting experience. I love meeting people and had so much fun at 4am chilling on the sidewalk downtown LA whith phil, anj, and 3 new beautiful strangers - abby, laney, and jae, belching our lungs out to rilo kiley's picture of success. I wonder if things really are meant to be..if I just so happened to approach jae for a reason. Not exactly sure what was racing through our nerves, but I knew when he understood Tegan&Sara's-call it off, that this moment was pristine. I'm silly, but rightfully so! It's some kind of wonderful when you connect with someone, and it's not shallow or predetermined, but cathartic.

Saturday. Went to the beach for KPSTAR shiznit where I basically did nothing for 15 min but wish I was in the water. Then phone banked @ Arlie Ricasa'a campaign office. Jared met one of his dad's college bro's, and I inevitably won a $4 bet for schmoozing the most constituents over the phone. It's weird how hard it is to coerce people to do something, but once you follow through, it's completely worth it. They had the greatest filipino s'getti and we all just kicked back and talked the shit out of strangers. Then onto Philo's bday @ CPK. Pretty good turnout for super last minute planning, and then went to catch the 11:15 for Ironman (sadly, made of honor was sold out, sigh)

Ironman was the shit. Robert Downey Jr. was a pleasant surprise, and the technology was brilliant. I never really noticed how great an actor he was until I just now imdb-sidetracked and realized how much I've liked some of his stuff. I completely forgot he did kiss kiss bang bang or a scanner darkly, I think his wino rep overshadowed his talent. What's awesome is the movie is clever enough to draw subtle references to his alcoholism and a sequel.

The whole comic book adaptations trend is seriously bitchin and i'm quite excited for the dark knight. I think it'll be pretty unsettling to watch Ledger like that, but Christian Bale is incredible and with the director of memento, it'll be sure to please. And then Hulk (I'm sorry, the incredible hulk) with Norton, holy crap. Talk about all star cast for every single damn comic movie coming out.

Anyway, slept over @ sean taylor where I apparently frustrated the hell out of those darned sleepers with my 5 am sunrise serenades. Ha, oh bonding is fun. I want to have more sleepover sleepovers, pillow fights, truth or dare, whole shabang type of thing. Drinking game for every time Juno said a 4+ syllable word (we tried 3+ at first, and decided we didn't want to get plastered). Waiting to go to VSA culture night in a bit, and am wondering when I'll get to finish (let alone compel myself to start) my papers due for the revolution class tomorrow.

[in light of my current dorky fascination w. superheroes]

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 90% Batman 75% Superman 75% Spider-Man 70% Hulk 70% Iron Man 70% Wonder Woman 53% Supergirl 53% The Flash 50% Robin 45% Catwoman 45%

Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.

zip zilch nada focus

I think what happens... When you have a conversation with someone you haven't talked to in forever, and it "feels like they know you" better than anyone presently in your life, that it means something. Ask me this a year ago I'd conjure up some pathetic prince charming parody. I'm pretty sure now that it means you're static, immobile, and just not changing. It's a kick in the face to grow up, basically

that said. I'm cracked out on 2 redbulls, can't begin to start studying for my railroads class because, well, it's a class about railroads, and wanting desperately to play some online game till that moment of desperation. viva la textwist!

noted: I'm starting to get really entrenched in homosexual/queer politics classes. This being my third class that's pretty deeply involved in sexuality and rights, I find myself really gravitating towards this aspect of society. I just find it so interesting because of the similarities to civil rights, 2nd wave feminism, etc, and the blindness of our society to perceive this. And I guess my own personal brainwash up till this point. Many a times last quarter I'd find myself in inebriated debates about sexuality with community college dropouts. I do fear sounding ignorant in intellectual settings, especially because I know first hand the tone that intellectuals take when dealing with the less learned.

The most interesting thing to date has been the analogy to religion that we were studying two weeks ago. I'll delve later, because it's really understandable and I don't want to forget this thought, but I want to comment on the accessibility of the analogy itself. My utter admiration is for people who don't alienate themselves with purely intellectual rhetoric, but try to translate academia into daily discourse. To bring things we study into public limelight is kind of essential when dealing with this stuff, because so much of it is based on consciousness. No consciousness can be gained when incomprehensible to those who are not in the same position.

I think open mindedness and understanding is everything. That's why writing is important to me, it's what brings people into common perception. It's a way to translate abstract ideas that go on in everyone's head, into something shared and real. And sometimes the medium of spoken communication is fake, it's a compromise of what you believe others will perceive as okay, and not the thought in purity. ok i need to really study damnit

Machiavelli

i've always liked the challenge more than the outcome. Whether it be the opposite sex, a job, a position..It's as if my only emotion was born from ambition. I can think of maybe 2 instances where I was sincerely attached to a final outcome. Does this make me some uncontrollable Machiavellian?

well I do get inspired. today I draw inspiration from Jill Scott's: A Long Walk. Though I prefer the acapella version Anthony performed this weekend, her version's aiight. jk, she has this seriously sexy undertone in everything she sings and the lyrics are pretty much what I want to scream to every potential other. Well, I think it's just the concept of sincerely connecting souls in a world that's too damn speedy. Ok, let's not ruin it

Or maybe we can see a movie
Or maybe we can see a play on Saturday (Saturday)
Or maybe we can roll a tree and feel the breeze and listen to a symphony
Or maybe chill and just be, or maybe
Maybe we can take a cruise and listen to the Roots or maybe eat some passion fruit
Or maybe cry to the blues
Or maybe we could just be silent
Come on, Come on

Let's take a long walk around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations
Elevations, maybe baby, maybe we can save the nation
Come on, Come on

staceyann chin is fucking amazing

I'm not sure if it's my critical gender studies class or just my complete lack of concentration, but I've been looking through def poetry jam stuff tonight. This girl, is incredible. After finishing some bell hooks, this particular poem is quite perfect

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQOmyebFVV8&NR=1

What's cool, is that it's igniting the same thing in me bright eyes, rilo kiley, or dashboard did 4 or so years ago. I think spoken word is bitchin' in theory, but some of the time it's hard for me to pay full attention. For her though, it's so passionate and eloquent that it demands my admiration in full.

some more notables-

If only out of Vanity

"I want to be the girl your parents will use as a bad example of a lady.
I want to be the dyke who likes to fuck men.
I want to be the politician who never lies.
I want to be the girl who never ever cries.
I want to go down in history in a chapter marked miscellaneous because the author could find no other way to categorize me
in a world when classification is key.
I want to erase the straight lines so I can be free."

Speech @ The Gay Games VII

"amidst the new fangled fallacies
of sexual and racial freedom for all
these under-informed
self-congratulating
pseudo-intellectual utterances
reflect how apolitical the left has become

I don’t know why
but the term lesbian just seems so
confrontational to me
why can’t you people just say you date
other people?

Again I say nothing
tongue and courage tied with fear
I am at once livid
ashamed and paralyzed
by the neo-conservatism
breeding malicious amongst us

Gay
Lesbian
Bisexual
Transgender
Ally
Questioning
Two spirit
Non-gender conforming—every year we add a new letter
our community is happily expanding beyond the scope
of the dream stonewall sparked within us

yet everyday
I become more afraid to say black
or lesbian
or woman—everyday"

"if the tragedy does not immediately impact you
you don’t give a fuck

offer a social ladder to those of us inclined to climb
and watch the bottom of a movement fall out
a revolution once pregnant with expectation
flounders
without direction the privileged and the plundered
grow listless
apathetic and individualistic no one knows
where to vote
or what to vote for anymore

the faces that represent us
have begun to look like the ones who used to burn crosses"

thought

r&b is sounding more like electronica everyday. I'm loving Ne-Yo: Closer and Chris Brown: Forever because they make me feel like I'm at a rave.

i'm obsessed

with decorating my place. I'm pretty sure my friends think I'm heartless now because I scolded martin's dog for running all over my brand new mat. It's uber mod though! ikea's top o' the line

me and lulu spent an eternity at walmart, attempting to put together some makeshift dining table contraption. Unfortunately ended up not having enough mula anyways, whatta waste of life.

American Psycho is a really freaking good movie. Ellis seriously captures that eerie yuppie lifestyle so damn well, and bale is..well he's batman dude. Phil has the sickest TV too, holy crap... and a PS3, talk about new hangout spot. Juicy campus is the most retarded website I've ever frequented..haha, I felt like a hs kid seeing my first slambook with mengyun on that site today

transition retreat this weekend. I don't know why i love planning em so..but it's pretty much going to be awesome

why are

old school nick classics (gullah gullah island, rugrats, etc) so damn friggen comforting.

i dont get how some people are so repressed when i wear myself on my sleeve. sort of

i'm just excited to get on wid it. life will be SD next year, LA the year after that, and NY for god knows how long...i know it's fiscally unrealistic, and i know i'm idealistic, but fuck it man. I don't get myself, and don't plan on it anytime soon. Life's more interesting like that

ricsie said something that hit me full on this morning. when something works, it clicks. like straight up undeniable click, which doesn't suppress or deny itself. I think I've submitted a lot to shit that doesn't click as inevitably as other things do.. but what if you're the kind of person that's just too aware, so nothing, ever, "clicks"

well hell

would you rather be 5 or 25? I contemplate this quite regularly.

I was reading someone's xanga the other day (when i read someone's xanga. i read all their xanga) and was noticing how great a writer they were, but only when they talked about their boy. It's cute to be negative and hateful, but when she was loving and hopeful, it was worth reading

So ADD. I think if anything, it's self imposed, and it's for the sake of pure boredom. yea huh. I only pretend to have no concentration, because if i did, i'd be bored out of my wits. sorta

I hate how college..does things. how friends ditch you for relationships, how you can't do the family thing because of what your people would think, how everything is quite mercurial, how now brown cow

reality

i'm thinking more and more, you create it every moment.

life =)

I'm really fortunate. straight up. While my impending $1200 ticket for god knows what and my allergy imposing town home continuously frustrate me, I've temporarily disregarded all external irritations in light of today's realization

I'm happy with jobs I've been given. Though I've quite/fired/completely ignored some of the employers of the past, I've somehow managed to wander into the most fortunate opportunities. Every experience I dream up, I eventually live, and I'm so appreciative

And now I have an internship with 944 magazine. I can't even describe how lucky I feel. I'm also in limbo with an internship for discoversd. I wanted to write, and I'm doing it, and I can't even express how happy I am. Passion and ambition does wonders (along with sleeping with the boss, contemplating your standards to write about Paris Hilton's stiletto's, and utilizing the wonderous white lie on your resume)

i am epicurious

I am studying the origins of family and how the revolution from maternity run households to patriarchal capital machines, has epic implications for how the world turned out. "The overthrow of mother right was the world-historic defeat of the female sex" (Engels). The word familia means a totalitarian power over ones slaves, and was taken up by the Romans to define a unit where the father had the power of life and death over all his subjects, free or blood related.

I heard a track by a korean lesbian poet, titled "what if". my favorite line was- "what if adam ate the apple first"'

I get wrapped up in greek mythology, and wonder how women were viewed then. Think about walking marriages still practiced in remote areas of china and wonder what that feels like.

I see it everywhere, everyday, from female-centric porn to within my circle of friends. I hate it

I am not a feminist. I believe what my heart dictates, and try not to let the rest of the world mess me up. It gets quite confusing, when you realize how subjective right can be. When you question everything they feed you, it's easy to starve

But Gandhi did it

nonsenicalityness

when I'm exhausted..and I mean straight up can't-move-a-finger-for-fear-of-unconsciousness-exhausted, I can't for the life of me, figure out what's wrong. I guess I don't have a strong command and understanding of my bodily needs. This passes over to many other realms of my life, but let's not go there. Let's stay at exhaustion.

It's like, hunger, sleep depravity, neurosis, and mild depression all at once. Can't separate emotion from physicality, brains from nerves, it system overloads in an ugly disarray of idiosyncratic gestures that have this strangely predictable pattern. Which used to be exhilarating, a whole different box of adrenaline to toy around with, an adventure within my own head. But at this age it's obligatory. Figuring out what the fuck is going on inside this god forsaken frame takes way too many hours of my waking day.

First phase is that bipolar one, where I think it's because I'm not contacting the outside world. I find myself going down my phone list, trying to catch up with people I haven't seen in ages. Only to find I bore myself, and further irritate them. Figure that's not the problem and onto the trying to sleep bit.

That part is tricky. I go in and out of bouts of sort-of-sleep, then complete consciousness, and finally grotesque frustration with my stupidity. Who am I kidding! I had a good 12 hours. Tried the sheeps, the place of peace, whole shabang deal, and nada. So then..

Foodtime. Further encouraging my trail towards US obesity will not lift my spirits, or self esteem, and probably only make me more sluggishly aware of my daunting consciousness. It never works. Whether it's hot cocoa, warm milk, an animal style double double, or pad thai. Trust me, I've tried, thaid, animal style fried my way to potential contentment..and no luck

So what to do, when I can't watch a movie because I'm trailing off to barren desert of mental non-activity, when i can't carry on a rational conversation because my attention span rivals that of a goldfish, when I can't for the life of me try to do anything a fully functional capacitated human being should be able to do..

I blog, nonsensically might I add. But you're worst. You read this shit. neener

phase game

I don't want to play it anymore. I'm fully conscious that I meet new people, get wholly re-energized by their fresh presence, completely immerse myself in their world, and then get over it in a month. I don't know if it's college, or just my nature, but I'm starting to see it's flaws. I think it's high time for change.

My mind's been toying with the idea that it could be the absence of my ex. Which is unlikely, but an easy fall back.

Anyway, I'm excited about my classes this quarter. Completely free Tues/Thurs. Definitely doing a museum day Tuesday deal, and probably do the beach, a lot. Granted, I do Rimac, a lot, beforehand.

oh random memory. Yesterday I had a 2 hour talk with my boss about salvia and acid. It was surreal because the guy's 40, and he was talking about how social circles in his age group speak of how spiritual salvia can be. Apparently he went to some liberal arts college in florida and has continued on his path of open minded exploration. He hates that his wife's a debbie downer, and so suffocates himself in a workaholic's fantasy of driving back and forth from SD to LA working on a bajillion or so projects. It's kind of awesome how you can have a really good conversation with anyone, regardless of age race socioeconomic class etc, and how you'll never see it coming. At the end he jeered "See you on Tuesday, maybe we can do some salvia" Ha! people oh people

i feel like

I should feel. Like this is the right song I should dance to but I'm a wallflower. Like this is the right cause to protest but I'm motionless.

well 8 years is a long time. and in that time, nothing

nope. not much at all. I'm the same kid asking for the same things, not knowing where to go when life rains on your hood-less sweater. The same kid who freaks the fuck out when it comes to being there for them, when it comes to growing up, throwing away the peter pan vhs, when it comes to understanding tears "and shit", when it comes to everything outside my grasp.

well I can't say I miss you, because that assumes I knew you. and I knew you, but can't admit that I did. So had I known you more, I'm sure I'd miss you now, is the best I can do.

I think I knew you more than I let on though. Not the details, and I rest so desperately on details. But the movement of the "back then". I'm sure I could fake it. Sincerity was never my forte it's true. It's because I could never analyze a person outside of the way I've projected them onto me. You are wonderful because I'm so and so in relation to you. Point B only exists because point A is 45 degrees above it. Otherwise a singular point is infinitesimally tiny, invisible.

and still I'm analyzing you through me. can't I appreciate you through you? That's how your idea has conditioned me. That's what 8 years does. Leaves me forgetful and detached..behind crude calculations. Well, there there

I miss..
I wonder more than miss though. I really do. I can't even see your face. I think you were great, because it'd be horrible for someone to die if they were never great. People hope to god, that everyone lives in the scope of purpose. Well some people just die circumstantially, without achieving recognition, without even seeing their kids go to college. They just disappear like they never existed, stupid Eric clapton, why go and romanticize recycled matter with another timeless pop song

Yes some authors are immortalized once dead. Some leaders are worshiped only as a concept after they pass. But some run of the mill people, some of your average joe's, great heart but not great enough greg's, kind but not charismatic chris', are forgotten. And it's horrible to think, because society says some things are horrible to think, but I think those things. sometimes

rixntyna new hit

Just Like Brand New

CHORUS
Summer nights are all gone away
Four straight guys and one gay
Two girls along the way
Where have you gone
My summer nights

VERSE ONE
Wal Mart for Nerf wars
Drinking up till four
In the morning
actually five thirty
Sunrise so early
Don’t forget about jon lee x 2


CHORUS
Summer nights are all gone away
Four straight guys and one gay
Two girls along the way
Where have you gone
My summer nights

VERSE TWO
Can crushing in the dark
Secret lives left their marks
Eastgate u turn
Why didn't you turn
Back to me
Oh summer nights


END
At the end a final meal
Forgot to tell you how I feel
But thank you
Thank you
Thanks for what you’ve given me
A family

peace.love.unity.respect.

so it's posted in reverse order because i'm a tard. But I've decided to gear my recent entries to more of a photoblog, just because I re-found my camera. This night, was basically indescribable anyways, so pictures probably do it more justice. Basically, met a lot of friendly people, touched a lot of random shit, and rediscovered old friendship. =). perfect start to spring qtr 08'.

[we jacked sombreros and habib posed][robin hood and iguana]

[hero and my first bracelet!]

[panda and hair]

[SCORPION!!]

[OG crew. hot damn, we rep]

frolic

[strawberry fields, forever]

[i left my heart..40min from san francisco]

fitting title for the impropriety that went down 300 miles north of here this week. A crap load of realizations, and my heart goes out to brent's note-blog on reverting to your roots. It's that age old nursery song- "make new friends, but keep the old..yadidada gold". precisely

pictures, naturally, to come. but words first: I saw the bay in a different light this time. Maybe it was the smaller group chill factor, maybe it was because the light really was different, since we woke up in time to explore the city, but it was kind of awesome. Car ride down was non-stop girl talk, something that's a rarity these days. Flo's aunt is pretty amazing, lives this liberal life, and we got to sip on dessert wine to kick it off. We each got our own bed, but freaky tree outside proved a hurdle to solo sleep. Hence, me and jars ended up not sleeping till 5..which, bit, but was tight since I haven't had long ass convos in a while

Day1:
discovered the shittines of 4 buck toll, and met up with anton&lingad who were AWESOME chauffeurs for our 8 hour shopping spree. we went to haight, which is basically the mother ship of free thinking, grass lovin, all natural, naturally chill hippies. Definitely got lost, and wandered away like I do so well, but chowed down with the best damn beef panang @ the best of thai. Ed&company brought us to the wondrous hippie hill, which was basically, heaven. He said alice & wonderland status, and I was a skeptic, but it was all that and then some. After being torn away, from the place I knew I was destined to reside in, we toured union square. It was awesomely commercial, but retail therapy always hits the spot. Notable mention: the hundreds store is really freaking sick. it looked like a "disneyland ride" as jars had said.

[we're off to see the wizard]

[a tree][in awe]

After suffering near exhaustion, we went back to Vallejo. Decided we were all going to hit up that skylark bar in frisco, so drove back to the city after getting ready. Oh, indecision. Sick shit though, it was definitely worth it =). They were playing the chillest music, and the entire atmosphere was good vibes. I was just stoked I got into a real, live, 21+ bar, and I'm sure I let it take me too far. ha, regardless, $9 patron and a corona deal certified a bitchin' time with bitchin' people. The car ride back completely went over my head, for I was passed out the instant my ass touched chair. sweet

Day2:
Woke up significantly later than itinerary had allowed. On top of that, we all just kind of chilled in bed for 4 hours. Ha! analyzing porn, and figuring out our pornstar names. We've finally discovered anton's troubled past in dealing with his addiction to child molestation, and coined him "little lupe". Lingad shall now be knighted "and boyfriend". Anjelica- "Monrovia mono", Flo- "Valencia Vagina", and I- "Chino Hills Cooch". Clever. Didn't leave vallejo till 4, but me flo and jars took to the city with a purpose. Visited china town, ran into the SI boys, ate bomb diggity shrimp and walnut delights, and got horribly lost. We ended up walking a couple miles in completely the wrong direction, whenever we attempted to go somewhere, but I think that's what tourism entails. Visited the museum of modern art, which was fucking awesome. There were a couple of really gnarly video installations, and seeing a OG duchamp replica was tight. Notable mention: the tour guide was asking what we saw in one of these abstract paintings, to which andrew replied "red panties". at the next painting, which was basically a large red square she asked the same question, to which he almost replied "red panties in a microscope". ha!

I found the dopest coloring book, in the world, but my depleting bank account proved to be an obstacle. Goddamn, good shit though. Ended up chilling in Daly city for a little, and just goin back to the home sweet 24 wal mart, on a random sidetrip. Passed out relatively early, but pretty good end of a chill ass, spontaneously planned, bay trip.



overall, thanks you guys for makin spring break 08' quite memorable. I heart you all, and we will do arizona, catalina, palm springs, yosemite, oregon, the world, one of these days.

(all photos courtesy of anjelica's bitchin' camera and our temporary paparazzi named ray)

like a story

"don't live your life like a movie"

for once in my life I don't wanna hide behind standard lines, behind terse, typically inebriated, conversations. I'm searching for something, and I can't find it, because I can't accept I've ever found it. I've had these really long involved conversations with people lately, a lot of it analyzing ourselves, a lot of it analyzing the world, and none of it really equating to anything. I miss being okay with not doing anything at all, without painting the town, without. I don't know how to express angst anymore, tastefully, that is. so of course, my natural conclusion is I miss love

well, love was never really anything I experienced. It was a painting I created after I experienced it. And it's this painting I pull out of my pocket every time I feel any kind of void. and point at it, and scream yes! that was it. look can you not see?! and nobody cares to see. and I'm transfixed. it could be some evolved form of narcissism. like the artist looking admirably at her surrealist self portrait. they'll never get the way you painted it, in fact, you may not ever get it the same way you did when you painted it. it's funny like life

It was easter today. Though I spent it eating an Afghani feast with an old friend, sipping margaritas in poolside la jolla, reading this existential murder mystery book, it was lacking something. maybe it was love. maybe it was just the wrong temperature. Shit if I know, I think the two confuse themselves quite prettily. in fact, any sign of discontent and i'm pulling out that damn painting. see?! that's when it made sense. when all of it fit, when I could find the derivative, the sine, cosine...when Fibonacci was all nature needed to be, when entropy wasn't a factor, when a person was constant and not a variable.

It's quite hard for me to share my life with a person, because I feel like a lot of people are too preoccupied with their own. and it's awesome.. that independence exists. and my main mantra is probably independence with females, power to you. but who said a life alone was more productive. I'm not referring to romantic ties, but companionship..that's the key, yea.

because i spy via computer

wow. she would hate me. but I love her, and she's so deeply sincere when she does her no holds back, soul searching art. Some things will always and never make sense

I think, when someone makes you their world. The first thing you want to do is run a million miles in the opposite direction. and you usually do

seriously

oh! funny- my mom left an online comment on my first article ( i know i know, how cute right) and it was so..motherly =). She is so strange but I love her for that, and I attribute all my quirks to the wonderful woman I call madre.

"Carmella B. Buquid, Unregistered

Great article !!! Are you now officially working for The Guardian? Are you going to have an article published regularly from now on? Do you choose the topic to write about, or is the topic assigned to you? Anyway, I am sure you already know this ... you write extremely well. Keep up the great work !!!"

haha. I love that she always signs with her middle initial, even in an informal online comment. I think it's her version of feminism, keeping her middle B and all. I really miss home because it was such a damn adventure everyday. My family was amazingly unpredictable. From the hermit sister whom I adore, to the eccentric attention seeking mid life crisis mother, add in the the aunt with a boob job working as a Hollywood extra, and then the obnoxious korean "half brother"...I really can't think of a more motley crew. My desire to write comes from me realizing how completely insane the first part of my life was, and how I can't ever forget how hilarious every ironic moment was.

I'm way amped about the shit I'm involved in now. I really want to do a dance team though, but I'm scared of the repercussions and spreading myself too thin. Again. You'd swear I'd have learned.

I'm studying the middle east and still don't know much about the details. I find it so damn interesting though, but never really knew how to jump into it. Up until I took this class I've been the standard American in the dark about war, WMD's, foreign policy with Iran, blah blah. And I'm still the standard American in the dark, but I'm really trying. It's not absorbing, and everything is so complex over there. I want to go there and figure things out first hand. I'm reading Who Killed Daniel Pearl? and it's further solidifying my desire to be a journalist, and moreso, a journalist in a crisis region. There's a reason I want to explore every chance I get, and there's a reason I've never been fully convinced of any truth. It's because I need to discover it on my own, not take anyone else's truth for truth. I can't suppress this "itch" with a 9 to 5.

I will travel the world. I know it. I've known it since I was 7 and made it a point to get lost at every single supermarket, mall, retail area i went to. I've known it since I snuck out of my house every night in high school, not to drink, or get high, but to explore unchartered territory. I've known it since every beatnik cliche touches me, no matter how many times I hear it. I just, know. and now I have to figure out how to get by in a capitalist world, with this highly romantic-bohemian-whatever view of how life should be lived.

Sidenote: I enjoy getting drunk and flowing "emo" style. I enjoy music when I'm inebriated, and learning cheesy adam sandler songs that I hate listening to but love hearing myself play. I do not enjoy captain crunch shakes @ Carl's Jr. because they are nasty. But I do enjoy khaki colored chili cheese fries. when high. I have a secret vendetta against blockbuster for having the earliest closing time I've ever heard of. But a bigger bone to pick with those stupid redboxes that will monopolize and modernize the video store industry I've loved since I was a child. I enjoy running meetings, though don't know how many more I'll be able to be involved in before I graduate (I think i'm doing a meeting binge these days). I loathe my trashy apartment, but can't bring myself to clean it due to my busy life (or inherent laziness). I want a guitar, and talent. the end

mister roboto

(this was supposed to be updated 2 days ago but apparently didn't save. damn.)

aside from the fact my opinion was completely neglected in my opinion article, I'm quite happy to see my name on paper. I just wish it wasn't for such shittiness. I'm grateful to artchie and becca who seriously pushed my lazy ass, brent who'd sift through my thoughts at 3am in the mornin, and sherwin who is always critically analyzing my aspirations and gave me direction on this one. thanks.

I cried today, for maybe the third time in my life. It's weird, when it gets you. Or maybe you want it to get you. Anyways, board meeting/retreat/bonding time instigated it. I'm starting to realize how emotionally void I've been, and completely get where and who it comes from. Still, I can change a little. It's not like I'll be a never ending fountain o' tears from this point on, I'll just be more in tune with my inner me. Or whatever

It really is cathartic though. Especially when people you didn't think gave a rat's ass express interest in your life. And it's probably the hour and a half of feeding our egos that did it, but I love that KP is a place for that. Everyone needs a lil' lovin y'know. And with the stuff I was talking about today..it's just been a while since I've talked about shit that I've blocked. And even when I do it's completely skin deep.

So thank you to those who are there for me when I don't say much, but just need to be around people who get that not saying much speaks volumes.

I had a good conversation over chirashi for lunch, and just realized how rare these come by. I lie, it's not too rare since I had an even better one less than 48 hours ago. But it's moments like these where I seriously feel more than plastic. Thinking back to first year, me and tone's 4 hour conversation over korean BBQ was probably a highlight of the entire year. oh wow, so profound - deep conversations=good, shallow conversations=bad. How learn-ed am I.

I really do cherish all the talks I have though =). I just love people who like to waste hours on just being with each other. Another human being is the greatest kind of adventure. (I feel like i ripped this off some cheeseball of a movie..oh well)

ps-i want this bad

Rollebon

I found you in Sartre today-

"I could imagine him so well if I let myself go: beneath his brilliant irony which made so many victims, he was simple, almost naive. He thinks little, but at all times, by a profound intuition, he does exactly what should be done. His rascality is candid, spontaneous, generous, as sincere as his love of virtue. And when he betrays his benefactors and friends, he turns back gravely to the events, and draws a moral from them. He never thought he had the slightest right over others, any more than others over him: he considered as unjustified and gratuitous the gifts life gave him. He attached himself strongly to everything but detaches himself easily." -Nausea

It's march. again





encore!

"Everyone else is an adventure for a moment. You were a neverending adventure. We were bonnie and clyde, we were tom and huck, we WERE! we didn't conform. we didn't get what the fucking norm was. we were cocky son of a bitches but we were together on every wavelength. Your existence made me realize THIS is LIFE and I am a living, feeling, vibrant entity. I know I did the same for you, don't you dare say I didn't because you're scared.

I'm coal now. You're constantly drugged up. This is not natural or organic. It's hideous, and we can change it can't we. I know you miss the innocence because me and you are same. I know you're bored of her, tell me you're bored of her. There's no goddamn way she'll interest you as much as our fucked up moment was.

I want the game, nobody plays the game anymore. Everyone is so content with being bored and boring and stupid and old. I want to fuck formality, pierce professional, and just be a child. A child in love. A child with an energy that lights up the world. That's excited to run and jump, make a friend and give them everything in a heartbeat. Not be afraid of what that friend's baggage is or how many people that friend has slept with before befriending them. All that matters when you're a kid is if the friend can run as fast as you and if they like playing your games. I loved playing your games. we loved eachothers games, and I have faith they can still exist.

You make my mind run. You leave me mentally breathless. stop"

pcc

I've been in some form of a PCN every year for the last 7 years. it's a little crazy how we get into this comfortable place, and can just never leave. relationships do that, friendships do that, i'm sure in the future, jobs will do that. well Filipino clubs did it for me, and it scares me how i might, edit, will have to leave this place soon. very soon. After coordinating last year, and taking a step back from that this year, I guess I'm weaning myself off

but i'll still fight for veteranos, for breaking down stereotypes, against sex trafficking, for more accurate media representations of filipinas, for expression. just, maybe not all the time anymore. just, maybe I'll encompass my life around other things now. and it's scary. and it's different, but it's very possibly a good thing like change is good and maturing shouldn't always be bad. not that the last 7 years were bad, they were incredible, life changing, but everything goes stale eventually, it just matters how well you digest things. except for maybe astronaut ice cream.

if anyone is familiar with my take on filipinio organizations, you know it's been a rough one. From wikipedia-ing filipino, to trying to get my grandparents story in a skit last year, to trying to read classics to understand what the damn culture really is, i think we all have issues with the whole 2nd generation shtick. I mean, it's past vs. present, culture vs. cool, parents vs. me, dilemma shmemma.

I just, know i love people in this club, and i love this familiar bond you get around this time of year, and i love that we dance to eye of the tiger and nsync, and i love that people don't leave middle earth for forever, and i love that we're still trying figure out how that alicia keys song goes on piano, and i love that every hip hop song evokes sexual cheers of encouragement, and i love being swiped, and i love that everyone really loves attention and doesn't hide it. I love that me and Brent can go through 4 years of hip hop in our heads, i love how i still fuck around like mad crazy at practice, i love seeing new leaders talking about the things older leaders did when i was a 1st year, i love how nobody gets this who doesn't experience this.

I love how my blogs from 2008 are so similar to the ones from 2002 in regards to pcn. The people are different, but just as beautiful; and the purpose is the same and just as significant.

(i have peter pan syndrome to the worst extent)