nonsenicalityness

when I'm exhausted..and I mean straight up can't-move-a-finger-for-fear-of-unconsciousness-exhausted, I can't for the life of me, figure out what's wrong. I guess I don't have a strong command and understanding of my bodily needs. This passes over to many other realms of my life, but let's not go there. Let's stay at exhaustion.

It's like, hunger, sleep depravity, neurosis, and mild depression all at once. Can't separate emotion from physicality, brains from nerves, it system overloads in an ugly disarray of idiosyncratic gestures that have this strangely predictable pattern. Which used to be exhilarating, a whole different box of adrenaline to toy around with, an adventure within my own head. But at this age it's obligatory. Figuring out what the fuck is going on inside this god forsaken frame takes way too many hours of my waking day.

First phase is that bipolar one, where I think it's because I'm not contacting the outside world. I find myself going down my phone list, trying to catch up with people I haven't seen in ages. Only to find I bore myself, and further irritate them. Figure that's not the problem and onto the trying to sleep bit.

That part is tricky. I go in and out of bouts of sort-of-sleep, then complete consciousness, and finally grotesque frustration with my stupidity. Who am I kidding! I had a good 12 hours. Tried the sheeps, the place of peace, whole shabang deal, and nada. So then..

Foodtime. Further encouraging my trail towards US obesity will not lift my spirits, or self esteem, and probably only make me more sluggishly aware of my daunting consciousness. It never works. Whether it's hot cocoa, warm milk, an animal style double double, or pad thai. Trust me, I've tried, thaid, animal style fried my way to potential contentment..and no luck

So what to do, when I can't watch a movie because I'm trailing off to barren desert of mental non-activity, when i can't carry on a rational conversation because my attention span rivals that of a goldfish, when I can't for the life of me try to do anything a fully functional capacitated human being should be able to do..

I blog, nonsensically might I add. But you're worst. You read this shit. neener