like a story

"don't live your life like a movie"

for once in my life I don't wanna hide behind standard lines, behind terse, typically inebriated, conversations. I'm searching for something, and I can't find it, because I can't accept I've ever found it. I've had these really long involved conversations with people lately, a lot of it analyzing ourselves, a lot of it analyzing the world, and none of it really equating to anything. I miss being okay with not doing anything at all, without painting the town, without. I don't know how to express angst anymore, tastefully, that is. so of course, my natural conclusion is I miss love

well, love was never really anything I experienced. It was a painting I created after I experienced it. And it's this painting I pull out of my pocket every time I feel any kind of void. and point at it, and scream yes! that was it. look can you not see?! and nobody cares to see. and I'm transfixed. it could be some evolved form of narcissism. like the artist looking admirably at her surrealist self portrait. they'll never get the way you painted it, in fact, you may not ever get it the same way you did when you painted it. it's funny like life

It was easter today. Though I spent it eating an Afghani feast with an old friend, sipping margaritas in poolside la jolla, reading this existential murder mystery book, it was lacking something. maybe it was love. maybe it was just the wrong temperature. Shit if I know, I think the two confuse themselves quite prettily. in fact, any sign of discontent and i'm pulling out that damn painting. see?! that's when it made sense. when all of it fit, when I could find the derivative, the sine, cosine...when Fibonacci was all nature needed to be, when entropy wasn't a factor, when a person was constant and not a variable.

It's quite hard for me to share my life with a person, because I feel like a lot of people are too preoccupied with their own. and it's awesome.. that independence exists. and my main mantra is probably independence with females, power to you. but who said a life alone was more productive. I'm not referring to romantic ties, but companionship..that's the key, yea.